TalesFromYourServer: A guide to our time wasting phone calls

As a preface, we are a casual pizzeria. While we do receive a good number of calls for carry out orders, we also receive a lot of time wasters.

The most frequent is the recorded message for a loan company. I hate going through the whole spiel of “Good afternoon, thank you for calling. My name is 100dollardongle, how can I help you today?” just to be greeted by “Attention, business owner!” Fuck off. One day I’m going to pick up the phone for that call and throw the fucker across the dining room.

The next one is weird. We have been open for 8 years. I’ve been with the company for almost 5. I lost count years ago of how many calls I got where the person, after I name the company in my spiel, asks me “Hey, is this Chuck E Cheese?” I gave the benefit of the doubt first, we have one within walking distance of us. But then after god knows how many calls I Googled their number. Not a single digit comes close to matching any of ours.

Next is general sales calls. I don’t know what possesses people to think they will easily get to a financial decision maker by calling a restaurant knowing a server is going to pick up the phone expecting to take a reservation or carry out order. I have had an owner stand next to me when I answered a call like this, and without a word to said owner I told them they’re wasting their time and we weren’t interested. Owner looked at me and said “Good job.” We don’t care. If we are in the market for something, anything at all, we will make the call ourselves. I know you have a job to do but god damn.

Now this last one I’m going to mention as a “common” one doesn’t happen nearly as often as the others but still warrants a mention, for one specific case. It’s the calls with no information, just a person demanding to speak to an owner by name. With our company, we know these people have no idea who we are and just want to make a sale, because the owner they ask for owns 80% of the company and is never on site, because he lives out of state. He simply checks in with the other owners to make sure business is good, receives a capitol payment check and all is well. As for the specific situation, a few days ago we received one of these calls. “Good afternoon, thank you for calling. My name is 100dollardongle, how can I help you today?” Immediate attitude. “I need to speak with John.” Not his real name, you understand why. “Sorry, he isn’t available. He lives out of state and is rarely here. If you have business with him I can take a message and make sure it gets to him though.” Not good enough apparently. “You just said he’s there, put him on the damn phone.” Go to hell. “No, I said he’s rarel-” “This call is being recorded, you said he was there, I need to speak with him immediately.” Thank you for informing me of my voice being recorded when the phone call began, fuckface. “Never cut me off again. I’m trying to help you, you’re being irrational. If this call is being recorded, go ahead and play it back. Point out where I explicitly stated he is on the premises. You can’t. Here’s the general information email address for you to get to someone who might be able to help. Have a great day.” He hung up without a word before I did.

Bonus content: I received a phone call yesterday on the work line. I go through the routine and get an older man on the phone. “Is this the evangelical temple?” Whoa, this one’s new. “I apologize, but what was that?” “Am I speaking to a representative of the evangelical temple?” Okay, I did hear him correctly. “No sir, my name is 100dollardongle and this is company name. We have no religious affiliation.” “Oh, then I have the wrong number. Sorry about that, have a great day.” First, kudos for being polite. Second, I’m still wondering what it was you needed. I haven’t quite figured that out yet.

By: 100DollarDongle