TalesFromThePizzaGuy: The Legend of Martha Webber

There are few moments in life when you feel as though the stars have aligned to grant you fantastic fortune. Arriving home just as you are about to shit yourself, seeing the car in front of you get caught by a speed camera you didn’t know existed, finding the love of your life (admittedly that one is an assumption), and coming back to the store to find a ticket for Martha Webber up when its your turn to deliver.

In many ways, Martha Webber is the best and the worst. The one-eyed elderly woman has been a loyal and constant customer. For the longest time she always, no matter what, tipped $10. When we got hand-held credit card machines, she couldn’t handle the technology so the man she lives with (Son, brother, husband, nobody knows) handles credit card transactions. Now Male Webber managed to outdo his solo-eyed roommate. He tips $20 on every order, no matter how much the total is. So if you are fortunate enough to go there, you know you’re leaving with $10 at worst, and $20 if they’re not paying in cash. It honestly will make your whole shift.

But with that sort of consistency comes greed. The hideous five letter word that we all have inside of us and try to suppress to varying degrees. Martha Webber threatens to tear the brotherhood of drivers at my store apart. So powerful is her draw that us drivers resort to unsavory methods to feast our eyes on her. Locking other drivers in the bathroom, taking her order with others going the opposite way, stabbings, an unconfirmed shooting. Once a plague rat was set loose in a driver’s car just to keep him occupied as I-er, I mean the perpetrator- escaped with her order. Its gotten to the point where being honest with your job is a sure-fire way to never get it.

And so the legend lives on. The heart will always race, the palms will always sweat, and the anxiety will always increase when Martha Webber is on deck.

By: PhilipBushsRobe